The Power of Unpopular Opinions and Uncomfortable Conversations with Sarah Villarreal

Today's episode is an AMAZEBALLS conversation with Sarah Villarreal on this brand new episode of "EmpowHERing Coffee Convos with Jessi".

Today we chat about the heavy topic of Toxic Society Standards and Unpopular Opinions. Sarah Villarreal is the creator of the The Socially Misguided Podcast and is on a mission to create conversations around toxic society norms.  Shes a former fashion designer turned SAHM, turned podcaster and the to-go for advice and the unofficial therapist for my friends and family.

Connect with her below!

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Transcript

Jessi Cabanin: 0:04

Hey girl, Hey, are you ready for some real talk? If you are a female entrepreneur who has ever felt like a total failure, or maybe even a frequent flyer of imposter syndrome, this podcast is for you. I'm your host Jesse, a millennial business owner, boy mom and creative genius helping women bring their business dreams to life. After 10 years of building numerous creative brands from the ground up, I'm ready to get real about what actually goes on behind the scenes of building your very own empire failure opened a brand new mindset for me and I really want that for you too, because honestly, I am just so over society's definition of what it means to live a successful life. So together, we are going to create and navigate a version of success that works for you. Together, we can redefine fabulous. Okay guys, welcome to today's episode of empowering coffee combos. I'm Jesse, the founder of and chief empowerment Officer of this way to fabulous and today I am here with Sarah, who's the creator of the socially misguided podcast, okay, she's on a mission to create conversations around toxic society norms. Okay, so you guys know how I feel about society and how much I hate it's hold over us, right? And like, we make decisions and try like, we just want to live our lives, right. So this conversation is going to be super juicy. I just know it. So before we start, Sarah, why don't you tell everybody just like a little bit about yourself? Maybe a quick synopsis about your, like your life story, and that kind of of where you're at in life right now.

Sarah Villareal: 1:33

Yeah, so Well, first of all, thank you so much for having me on the show. This is super fun. Yeah, I'm Sarah. I am a fashion designer turn stay at home mom. Turn podcaster. A quick rundown on me. I moved from Colorado to California after I graduated high school to get my degree in design, met my husband out there. He was acting I was going to school. So we lived out there. Did our thing move back to Texas where both of us have a ton of family and started a family. So I mean, that was like, ages ago at this point. So now, I've been earlier this year, we celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We've got two kids and we're in Houston. So yeah, yeah.

Jessi Cabanin: 2:15

Awesome. That's super, super awesome. And then you started a podcast right? When how long ago? Did you start your podcast?

Unknown: 2:22

I started earlier this year in April. So still kind of new ish.

Jessi Cabanin: 2:27

Yeah, for sure. So for backstory for you guys. Sara and I actually met in Keisha Fitzgerald's pod squad, we were both part of the January pod squad, where Keisha really just kind of like drilled into us that like now is the time no matter how messy it is, right? Now's the time, just jump in, get started and figure it out along the way. And so I think both of us are kind of in that, you know, new ish phase of this is kind of what we're doing come along with us. This is not like us knowing everything. This is kind of us, figuring it out as we go and enjoying you guys like letting you guys come on the ride with us. Right? So I'm super excited. You're here, but like, let's just dive right in. Okay, I'm gonna talk about your podcast for a minute. Okay, you guys. It's something you absolutely have to check out. It's super powerful. I will link it in the show notes for you guys. So that you guys have like, easy access to that. Okay. But Sarah first, like your podcast is amazing. But I want to know a little bit more about how you got here. Okay, so like, why a podcast? Why now? What kind of like gave you that fire to besides Keisha

Unknown: 3:33

was a big fire. Yeah, right.

Jessi Cabanin: 3:34

She she gets a lot of credit for me, too. Besides that, you know, what, what was your driving factor in, in bringing this podcast idea

Unknown: 3:44

to life? Yeah, so it was kind of two very different things. So first of all, selfishly, I really needed something for me, Jesse, I don't know if you've ever felt this way. But I was kind of at that point where I felt very lost in motherhood, like I had lost who I was outside of being a mom, truly, you know, that spark and like what was important to me and just kind of having a voice outside of things that surrounded the things that had to do with my kids. So that was one part of it. And then the other part of it was, Do you ever feel like you're just looking around and like, Is this real life? Right? Like we're looking around and everything from you know, racism, so runs rampant in our society. We idolize celebrities that talk about being on the verge of starvation to fit into vintage gowns, because women are idolized for being beautiful rather than anything else, you know, they have to offer the right now naming names you know, just go check out my podcast, I may have named dropped a couple of people. But on here, I won't. But um, you know, it just like got to a point where I was like, Okay, there's a lot of stuff going on that I think is super harmful that I think that we either just don't realize or it's just easier to just kind of go with the flow or whatever. So instead of complaining about it, I felt like I needed to maybe be part of like the solution for, you know, people that I have influence over, you know, in my life also to set an example for my kids and hopefully maybe set things on a better trajectory. Just in general.

Jessi Cabanin: 5:20

Yeah, for sure. And I love how you said something about like, just, it's easier to just, you know, like, it's just easier and everybody's so about what's easier. And unfortunately, what happens when things are easier, is we don't grow, we actually fall backwards. And I know for a fact that there are a lot of people that are listening to this that are like nodding their heads being like, Yes, I totally feel this way. Because I don't know a single mom, who didn't lose herself at some point in her journey, right? Whether it was right away, or whether it was later on, you know, for me personally, it was pretty much right away, I definitely had a pretty bad episode of postpartum depression. A lot of things were changing in my life, I was getting divorced around the time he was turning one. I my business basically, like I shut my entire business down, I had no idea who I was, what I was doing what I was meant to do. And I definitely don't blame being a mom for that. But I definitely, it has a lot to do with that just that time in your life, where things become a little bit blurry. Like, you've just you don't, you don't know what you're looking at, and you don't really know what to do with yourself. And I think that it's easy to look outward to try to find yourself right, it's easy to look outward for the next best thing, or what's gonna make me lose 20 pounds by tomorrow, or what you know, like, it's so easy to look outside. And I think what really helped me was jumping into personal development and looking inside instead because like you mentioned, it is just mind boggling how much we look outside and start idolizing these people that like celebrities and whatever, we start idolizing their lives and like all of a sudden, like we're making ourselves feel worse, because those things are not attainable. For most of us, those things are not even like in our grasp. So like we ended up sabotaging ourselves, right? And oh, completely. I don't think a single mom listening to this or not listening to this. I don't think a single mom could say that they never felt that way. At some point. I know so many moms who are on that journey of finding that love, like finding what they're supposed to do what they're meant to do. What fires them up. Right. Right. I think I think that's, I think that's, I think that's like so amazing. So I think that a huge part of that is, it's super powerful for us to recognize this. Right? And so like, it gives you a totally different perspective of life. Am I right? Like do ya only just start to see things through a completely different lens. So if you could pick like one toxic society norm that just like irritates the shit out of you like that is just like, these I know, there's probably a budget if you have a view, that's okay, but like, what is one that just irritates the absolute shit out of you.

Unknown: 8:05

Okay, so this is like equal parts irritation and equal parts almost just like sadness around this and that is knowing that women feel such a massive pressure to conform to these beauty standards and to just be beautiful in general.

Jessi Cabanin: 8:21

Like they label it like the way that they are labeled, like the way that society is labeling beauty is just something like, like like, it's just this term, like what does this term mean? And it means something different to all of us but instead of looking inward to say what does beauty mean to me? We're like well KK thinks that it means this right? And in Kiki over here thinks that beauty is this and so we're like, oh well Kiki and KK man that they think this like that's what it is. And it's just such bullshit like, why are we idolizing all of these other people for what they think it means? Why are we not doing the work to figure out what that means for us? Right exactly. What else I feel like you got like one or two in there that you're like

Unknown: 9:12

well gosh, there's so many but I kind of wanted to expand on that because I think it's not only just looking at what other people are doing but what we have to realize is that one historically women have always been valued for their beauty not for what they come to the table with not for you know their contributions or how great of a person they are not so deeply ingrained in us and it's still playing out today. So not only are we concerned with what que que and Kiki are doing and looking like but now you know marketing genius with a marketing genius. That is what it is. These companies are profiting off of our insecurities and they're inventing insecurities. And then they come in and say, Well, yeah, you need to fix this, this and this. Oh, but wait, I have the solution. Okay, well, that's not a coincidence. They are made making billions in the process. And we are just feeling like shit. And you know, buying these things buy into them. And then each time we do that, then we're kind of broadcasting to other women like, Yeah, this is the right way like this is important. So it's really difficult. And I think that's, you know, that's one thing I would talk a lot about on the show is understanding like, where I am accountable in this and also where we are victims in vessel cycle, right? Absolutely. I

Jessi Cabanin: 10:31

think it's great that you talk about you also being guilty of some of these things. Because I think that that's, that's real, right? You're not out, you're not here, trying to say like, Oh, you shouldn't do this, like, no, like, bah, bah, bah, like, we're just as guilty. We are all guilty of those things. And to backtrack for a second about what you said about the the company marketing. So it is definitely one of the the most converting tactics in marketing is absolutely recognizing a problem that you can solve for someone, right? But the problem there is that the line like that line of like, what's appropriate or what's not becomes really blurry for them, right? So obviously, there are obese people who may need to lose weight, that's just a fact that's not a, that's more of a like a health fact, that's not like a like, Oh, you're fat, like that's like a listen to where you're at right now. Your obesity is a medical condition, you need to lose some weight. That's one thing, right? But then they're taking it past that line. And they're saying, well, like, Oh, you're fat, I can fix that. And you're like, and now all of a sudden, even if you're not obese, even if you're maybe slightly overweight, or whatever it is, now, all of a sudden, in your head, you have that problem. Right? Right, actually marketing to the people who medically might need that kind of help, you're utilizing the people who need medical help, to basically put that lie into the minds of the rest of us, right. And so the only thing I'll say about that, though, is that, as humans, we're accountable for ourselves, too, right. So like, if that's what they're doing, I'm not saying it's right, by any means not excusing it. But it's also up to us to build that boundary between ourselves and marketing tactics to be able to say, wow, like that, that's really extreme, but I'm not going to let that bother me or that I'm going to, you know, like, I know that that's not, they're not talking to me or whatever. Like, it's also our responsibility to speak up about it and say, like, like, What the hell, but it's also our responsibility to not allow ourselves to take it that way. Right. So it's like, definitely, it's this really hard like this really hard balance. But I mean, for how long? Has it been a terminology where, you know, in marketing or in business, Sex sells, right? How long has that been through analogy? And how effed up is that, like how effed up and now it's like, that was maybe the term 20 years ago, and now that nude that term, they've just taken like the word sex out of it, and now it's all this just like, like beauty. Now beauty is now that ugly word in that sentence, because they think it sounds better because it does,

Unknown: 13:03

it does. It like it sounds a lot of us more innocent.

Jessi Cabanin: 13:08

That's a good point. But that's the point. Like they're labeling it, they're, they're choosing the label, instead of us choosing the label, which is just effed up for left up. And I think this is I think this is huge, too. Because, you know, I know, it affects me personally, right? You have to look in the mirror every day, and all these lies that you hear on social media and everywhere, right? These lies get ingrained in your head. So I know this affects me personally, I you know, I've been doing a ton of work with personal development, I'm getting married. We're all human, right? Well, here, we will look in the mirror one day and be like, Oh my God, you could like you could lose, lose 20 pounds. And then you have to reframe it and say like, Okay, we need to make our health a priority a little bit more, and move on from there, right. I know, a ton of listeners are also going to vibe with this, because I feel like as women, this is just something unfortunately, that was ingrained in us as kids, right? Like, oh, yeah, darts so young, and it is so hard to just like, get rid of that. Right. So let's dive even deeper. Okay, can you give me a super, super specific example of maybe a time that this affected you? Oh, beauty standards?

Unknown: 14:18

I mean, you know, probably motherhood is probably the best example. Because I know for a lot of us our bodies change, right? Yeah. And when you look around, and whether you're a celebrity or whether you're just an average Joe Schmo, there's that messaging of get your body back, make sure you bounce back, there's so little focus on how you're feeling and how you're doing and how you're coping with this massive life change. And then, of course, there's so much focus on the baby, understandably, but the focus on the mom goes back to how does she look? Does she conform to the standards because we all know that society says There is one body type that's acceptable, and that's thinness, which again, creates all kinds of other horrible outcomes. For people that don't exist in thin bodies, you know, and then we equate health with being thin. That's not right either. That's not accurate. But I think motherhood accepting, you know, I've had, I've had two kids, I had two C sections, and then I nursed both my babies. So my body did change a little bit. My boobs are definitely not as perky as they used to be. And, you know, I mean, they look different. And that was really that my stomach like everything, it was really kind of hard to go from. I guess having a body that I think we all have body image issues, but from showing you right, but from going from a body that I was more okay with to something that I felt like, Oh, my God, this is so foreign. And like, I don't really like this, you know. So that's part of

Jessi Cabanin: 15:47

why we feel lost, right? Because we don't even recognize because we didn't even realize how much we like labeled ourselves based on our body until your body changed. And then all of a sudden, you're like, where am I

Unknown: 16:01

aging the same way, right? Like you, you pick yourself apart in your 20s. And then you get in your 30s. And you look at a picture of yourself in your 20s. And you think, Man, I wish I appreciated what I had. But again, that goes back to like this vilification of, you know, aging, we're taught aging is bad, we're taught wrinkles are bad, like aging is a privilege, actually, it really should have nothing to do with the way that we look. Because really, at the end of the day, that isn't important. But those aren't the messages we are told. I mean from childhood, we all understand that beauty especially for a woman is a very air quotes important aspect of her life, right? And it's really sad. It robs us robs us of, you know, living in the moment with our kids. How many moms have you known that have said, I really want to go swimming with my kids, but I didn't because I didn't feel good in a bathing suit. That is so sad. These are precious moments that will never Yeah, no, I mean, I just raised my both of us, right? I mean, at some point or another, so it just robs you of like, your experiences, your resources, you know, your time, your money, like your mental energy, it just we just put way too much focus on that. And again, I mean, I just It infuriates me. And then it also makes me just really sad.

Jessi Cabanin: 17:16

Absolutely. And I kind of think that like, well, going back to talking about Kiki. So I think it's it's also become this really sad level of beauty being tied to success, right? So if you're not this beautiful, if you're only a five on the beauty level, I don't even know what level we're on. But like, if you're only a five, you're not successful, if you're 10 Now you're successful now what the actual hell? Does that have anything to do with being successful? Right? Like, how is that even? Like, how is that even part of the scale of what makes you successful? Or what makes anyone successful? And also, who the hell is anyone else to tell me how successful I am based on how I look? So the reason I bring this up is because I was talking to someone recently about their branding shoot. And so before their branding photoshoot, you know, they came to me and they sent me a bunch of their, like pictures of their outfits on their bed, you know, and like, what do you think? What do you think right? And the number one thing I always tell people is number one rule is you need to feel comfortable if you never wear glitter stilettos and a hot pink blazer do not bring that job so true. Those people will say I saw this picture on your website and she's wearing a hot pink blazer with really cute shoes and I'm thinking okay, well that was her like is that you will know I don't really wear pink then why are we even having this conversation?

Unknown: 18:47

Why and it will come across to and your confidence right? Like that's going to capture a photo that you feel oh not you know, you don't feel right in your skin trying to be someone else. Absolutely. I also understand the pressure to want to think like okay, well yes, that is success. That is beauty. I guess let me aspire to be that. So

Jessi Cabanin: 19:06

right and that kind of comes down to like if you never wear that, okay, so like I usually tell people you know, I want you to be comfortable. Whatever dressed up is for you go like a half a step higher than that. Half a step meaning like maybe your makeups a little bit more dramatic or maybe you have fancy earrings or maybe whatever Don't be a completely different person. Just treat yourself to being slightly nicer than what so if you wear a sweater every day and jeans and a cute t shirt t shirt is what is what's like one step up for you go for you rock that let's rock that because otherwise Yeah, how are you being authentic if you are basically trying to turn yourself into someone else right? So I'm curious from you so like I am very I'm a very like T shirt and jeans kind of gal right? And you know from my branding shoot, I am a very happy person obviously. I wore I had a happy place or I had a hot pink backdrop. All these things and I just I had I had glitter sneakers for God's sakes, right? Like I was like this is so your guy. Yeah, yeah. But when other people come in so you So you did a branding shoot recently, too, right? How would how was that experience for you from a standpoint of battling those inner thoughts of like, what you should be wearing versus what you want to be wearing? This is I'm fresh on my brain because I had a brand new session this morning. And so I'm like, now I'm really curious with those standards. And like, I know that it's a constant battle, whether whether no matter who you are, it's a constant battle, I want to know what that process was like for you.

Unknown: 20:37

It is a constant battle. And I think when you know, you're going to be photographed, at least for me, my, if I know I'm going to be showing my face on social media, like if I'm going to do a real or if I'm gonna be photographed, oh, my gosh, my like, insecurities start coming out way more than they normally would. Right. And I think a lot of people feel that it's very vulnerable to know that you're going to be photographed,

Jessi Cabanin: 20:57

because we all know that being judged there are gonna think absolutely,

Unknown: 21:00

Oh, absolutely. And let's be honest, people really are judgmental, and don't have a problem telling you. So a person your fear is totally valid, right. But I think for me, I had to, I mean, like I said, I came from the fashion world. So I love that kind of stuff. But what I do have to balance is, as I've gotten older, I've really realized this understanding, I need to wear something that, like you said feels elevated also feels like me, but that I'm going to be comfortable in sitting standing and like I don't want to have conditions around it like Well, I'm only going to like this dress, if I'm not, you know, in my bloated phase, or if I sit down and you know, whatever is coming over the top of my pants, you know, so also I think I'm in that age to where it's like, comfort has to be married with style. Because you're right, I mean, if I pick out like the gorgeous, like body con dress, um, I may or may not feel great in that that day. And that's just not something I'm like, willing to do to my self esteem anymore. Like I've been there, done that, that's just for myself in my 20s and I'm about to be 35 Like, that shouldn't happen anymore. I'm done. So are you Amen.

Jessi Cabanin: 22:17

I love that. Um, so it's funny, because I feel like that topic is sort of like an unpopular opinion topic, right? And so it's something where it's like what like the question being what should we what should you wear to a branding issue? And the unpopular opinion that I would say is whatever the hell makes you feel comfortable, whereas a lot of other people would say, you want to dress up you want to be you want to look like a boss, you want to you want to have a blazer, you know, you don't want people thinking that you're just like some not not serious about your business because you don't look like dressed to the nines, right? And I'm like, yo, if you are barefoot and in sweats and on the couch on your laptop to do your job, that's what the hell I want to photograph because I want it I want this to be authentic. I want this to be the real you I don't want you to be I would never ever coach somebody to market themselves as someone they're not because guess why? People hire you because of you. Right? So when I finally changed that mindset when I finally did the work and the development, and was finally like, you know what, this is me if you don't like it, c'est la vie. Right? My client base has never been so fruitful. It's never been so I don't know the right word. Like it's just never been so fulfilling because these people get me and they're like me, and it is an enjoyable experience for everybody. Right? So unpopular opinions, so it's kind of go back to that for me, opinions are kind of something that is like trending on Instagram right now. I feel like I do have a couple posts in queue about it because I think it's kind of funny, but I'm also someone who's like real talk I said what I said it is what it is I don't really give a shit. Right so like I love unpopular opinions, I think they're great. I think they are a powerful tool for some of us to actually get out of our own way and to be like you know, I don't get to share what everybody thinks so unpopular opinions like what is the biggest unpopular opinion you think that you have right now that like most people would disagree with?

Unknown: 24:11

Oh, okay. Hi, no, no, people are not gonna like this but we need so that when I said I saw it I said I can backup why I started to you know, um, we need to stop buying from Shin the fast fashion company and we need to stop consuming so much just overall and I get that that's hard. I know that goes against the grain of like, and the desire right to like buy every trend you see on Tik Tok and you know, have as many outfits as an influencer and never be photographed in the same outfit twice. Um, we're killing our planet by doing these things, so I know not everyone wants to hear that but sorry,

Jessi Cabanin: 24:55

it is definitely guilty of the sheen thing. Shine, shine,

Unknown: 24:59

shine. Yeah. That's exactly

Jessi Cabanin: 25:00

Oh, guilty. And I will say that I'm guilty a lot because I google something, and then they just happen to be something that like comes up. And a lot of times, it's cheap, and you need to find it or whatever. And you're like, I'm totally guilty of that. I am totally guilty of over consuming. I have my I have my Starbucks coffee right here that I had, I said, I wasn't gonna drink anymore. Like, it is just a huge, huge problem. So like, with that problem with that being said, How do you feel like you and your life are, you know, kind of like, backing that up? Like, how are you? What's the right word? Like? I don't know, I can't think of the right word. Um, how are you advocating for that? Like, what changes did you make in your life? Or Or like, what made you kind of feel like that change needed to be made?

Unknown: 25:49

So just more I mean, I think again, one of the beautiful things about you know, the time that we live in now is we have a lot of access to education, right? And like, you can, you can, because of the internet, you can access like, whatever you want to know. So just education on the topic. I mean, fast fashion, is notoriously synonymous with horrible working conditions, treating their workers horribly paying them awfully. Trafficking, all these things terrible for the environment. So education on that. And more of that's coming to the forefront. I mean, h&m just got in really big trouble for greenwashing. So fortunately, all these all these things that maybe were more like fashion insider thing, things are now becoming more like mainstream ideas that everyone can access. What is a washing? greenwashing is basically, when you make it sound like when a company makes it sound like what they're doing is like eco friendly, but it's actually not. So they're basically just using been buzzwords that attract the customer thinks, hey, I'm doing a good thing. So customers have the best intention in mind. And that's actually not what not what's happening behind the scenes. So h&m just got totally busted for doing that they had been doing that for a while. And so for me, I've done several episodes on buying, not buying fast fashion, shopping more sustainably, being more conscious about those things. I've done episodes on consumption, and then in my own life, and I do want to have a little caveat, this conversation relates a lot back to privilege and access and things like that. So I'm gonna say this because we're limited on time here, but this conversation does warrant like a lot more time to realize and really like hash this out. So I don't want anyone listening to this being like, oh, you know, yeah, totally, you know, but, um, for me in my life, I am really trying to be so much more intentional about what I buy and making sure that they are quality pieces that are going to last a long time. If I'm buying something to wear once I'm not doing it anymore, you know if I'm trying to buy for a size that I'm not right now because I'm going to quote unquote fit into it later. No, because that never happens. You're not gonna we're not gonna buy it later still sitting in my closet. You're we're all guilty of that. We all do that. Oh, yes. You're just trying to shop with like intentionality. Trying to shop quality over quantity.

Jessi Cabanin: 28:15

Yeah, to be fair, my intentions. When I buy something that I might fit into the intention is not bad, but

Unknown: 28:22

totally. Oh, yeah. Yes. Usually we have good intentions, but I think we have to be realistic when like, Okay, but how often do I follow through on those good intentions and for me, it wasn't often so I was like, Okay, I just have to stop.

Jessi Cabanin: 28:37

Oh, same and I feel like I actually also like while I was in all the personal development stuff, I think I actually realized that I was sabotaging myself I was actually making it harder for myself because I was setting this unrealistic like expectation of like, this is fitting into these jeans is going to be successful, right? Like they all and then all of a sudden I'm sabotaging it like I'm looking at these pants. I'm like, God, I still don't fit into those. Oh, I still don't fit into those. Oh, so often of those taking into account what life has like what what chaos life is in what health issues I have all these things. I'm not taking that into account. I'm just looking at those pair jeans and I'm freaking pissed because they don't fit.

Unknown: 29:13

Well. You basically just punish yourself. Yeah, exactly. And then you just feel worse afterward. And it's like, really I'm like, this pair of jeans is sabotaging my self esteem. Like, okay, maybe we should just get rid of the jeans. That's not worth, you know, my mental state, right?

Jessi Cabanin: 29:27

For sure. And I feel like when we were younger, I don't even know why this just came to mind. But like I feel like when we were younger girls talked about what size they wore a lot more than they do now. Like it was like Oh yeah. Oh, your size seven G's. Oh, well, I'm like a 15. Like, I'm like you. You really start to worry about what everybody thinks. And then all of a sudden you feel like you're you're trying to change your life to match what somebody else is doing. Right? Yeah, it's crazy. And change is not always a bad thing. I'm a huge actual fan. have changed because whatever didn't work out for you before you can learn from that I'm a I'm a wins and lessons type of person, you don't lose something right?

Unknown: 30:09

Yeah, no, I love that mindset.

Jessi Cabanin: 30:10

Let's let's switch gears for a second here. I know that because we were in the pod squad together, I know that when you first launched your podcast, you had one name. And then a little bit later you made the decision to pivot and actually change that name. Okay, so can you talk a little bit more about that transition? Because I'm really curious to know, a little bit more behind the scenes about that transition. But also, I want to know, if you were afraid or like what level of fear you had of what other people were going to say or think about you making that change so early in your podcast?

Unknown: 30:45

Yeah, so no, I was well, and I'll back up and say, so the name I had originally picked out was pretty unfiltered. And I had done a ton of research on it, like really felt like this is the name this is it. And you know, Trey applied to have a trademark all the things then found out a couple months ago, I guess this was back in the summer that another entity had also trademarked applied for a trademark for it. And they had put those in first. So very long story short, the likelihood of them getting awarded, the trademark was, you know, that was most likely going to happen. So reluctantly, I had to change. I didn't want to change it. And I think I think I was a little bit nervous for two things. One, I had so much positive feedback on the first name, it was kind of hard to feel like you have to like I loved

Jessi Cabanin: 31:31

it. I was like, yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Unknown: 31:35

Sadly, I did do you know, so it was like, feeling like you have to like follow up this act with something like even better. And because and I think people get really attached to names like I was attached to it, right? That's just a normal human thing. So I was definitely worried about that. And then I think just being so early on, it was kind of like, oh, my gosh, I had a big fear of is this going to mess with like, the trajectory and my numbers and the the momentum that I've built so far. So, you know, fortunately, it ended up working out. And I totally agree with you, Jesse, I think things happen for a reason, I think you just learn from them and pick up and move on instead of just dwelling in the past. So it's been good. And I actually now feel like my name is slightly more aligned with all of the topics I covered. So I think it ended up being a good thing. But I didn't really like my original

Jessi Cabanin: 32:26

agenda. I think that's amazing. Because I think the universe really does work in really a weird way sometimes. And you know, you can look back Hindsight is 2020, right? So you can look back, and you can say like, Oh, I was so upset, because I really love that name. I was all in on that name. And then I had to change it. And now here you are. And you're like, you know, I'm looking back. Like, it was a hard time for me, but look where I am now. And like, I may not be where I am now if I hadn't made that change, right. Yeah. So the thing that I think most listeners are going to relate to here is like the fear factor, like that fear of the unpopular opinion, that fear of what everybody thinks, because society and social media in general, like just instill this worry in us, right? Like, we're so worried that if we say the wrong thing, or we look the wrong way, people are gonna retaliate. They're gonna speak ill words, they're gonna start trolling us, right. And I think it's absolutely pours over into our personal lives write on a much deeper level, even because now all of a sudden, those things are instilled in your own person, like in your own mind, and how you think of yourself, right? So in, does this opinion, you know, or like any others, like strongly affect your relationships with people. So like, the things you choose to talk about, or the things you believe in your open, that you're very open about them? Like, do any of those things affect your relationships with your family and friends?

Unknown: 33:47

You know, that's so interesting. And I mean, the short answer is, yes. I mean, fortunately, I do have a very supportive family. And I am one of those people that I like to keep my friend group really like tight and close. Like, I'm very selective with, like, who I spend my time with. And because I think that, I think that's important, I think where you put your energy is a really important thing to take into consideration. So no one has said anything to me. But I also know that, for instance, with my family, I have very different political views than a lot of my family and on both sides of my family, so it's very, I think, I think when you do something kind of in the unpopular opinion, space, you just have to kind of set expectations and know that not everyone is going to agree with you and some people are going to voice that and I think the biggest fear for me would be for my family and friends to maybe feel like I was going to judge them if they thought differently than me. And really that's not the case. You know, you're free to believe what you want to believe. My mission in this podcast is just to open up the conversation and bring these things to light. You can agree with me you can disagree with me, if you disagree, please do it respectfully, because I've also had a lot of, you know, a holes disagreeing with, you know, reels or things like that, that I put out, which is fine, but you can still treat each other like humans. Right. That was, you know, and so, but that goes back to what you're saying about people being worried that they're going to be trolled. Um, I think it's always important to set those expectations. Yes, you are gonna have people that want to disagree with you. So fortunately, in my personal life, everyone has been really considerate. But I just hope that everyone knows I'm not saying these things to make people feel judged. I'm saying them because I think we need to bring light to these issues and have a discussion, even if you do end up on the other side of it than I am. At least we're talking about this and can maybe move forward. You know?

Jessi Cabanin: 35:48

Absolutely. I think that's the biggest hurdle to in society, especially with social media. We're so it's we're so quick to hide behind our phones in our, in our computers and all this and these conversations that happen, virtually are so different than having an actual conversation like in person, right? And oh, yeah. And like, and also when it comes to like, the trolling thing, like, here's the thing, if people are trolling you, I mean, I totally agree with like, people, we should be respectful, right? And it's okay to respectfully disagree with people. But guess what, if you're being trolled, or if people are being like, just they are so far on the other side of the opinion, you know, what, you got the conversation going, because they would not be even taking the time to write anything, if what you said didn't hit a nerve. And guess what, when you hit a nerve in a conversation that's uncomfortable, you starting the conversation, and someone's gonna grow out of it, whether it's Yeah, whether it's them, someone's gonna grow out of it, but you became the bigger bigger person, in a sense, because you started the conversation, right? And that's always where I've always been on that side of the spectrum of like, I get that this might be uncomfortable, or that this is like an unpopular opinion. But choosing not to talk about it is only avoiding the topic and is only avoiding whatever is going to come later from it. Right. And so it's like, it's just it's so so entirely crazy. I have one follow up question to that. Do you fear that your friends and families fear to speak up about maybe disagreeing with you? Like, do you think that some people don't even respond? Because they're afraid to have that conversation? Like to open a conversation about it? Um,

Unknown: 37:29

I haven't thought about that too much. I mean, I'm sure that's partly it. But I also think my friends and family kind of know how I am and know that I've always been the person to kind of push back on things even even from a young age, you know, if I would hear something, I was always kind of the one that was like, really? Like, why? Or? I don't think so. You know, so. And I, again, like I hope I try, I'm not saying that I always get this done perfectly. But I do try to come from a place of like understanding and compassion, when I'm saying these things. And coming from more of a place of like, education and touching one on what you were talking about earlier, coming from a place of everything that I talk about on my show are things that I am either working out or struggling with myself. So I also try not to come off as I know it all. I get everything right, because that's not that's not true, right. So hopefully people that know me, people that listen to the show, understand that this is really coming from a place of like love and wanting this to be better for everyone, instead of me trying to talk down on someone that may disagree with me. Yeah.

Jessi Cabanin: 38:38

Oh, for sure. And I know you have two kids. Two kitties, I've seen them. They're really cute. Thank you. So so for me personally, I have been thinking a lot about it lately. And just about how the world is so much different right now than it was when we grew up. And different when we grew up from when our parents grew up, right. So this like evolution of the world of life, of the way to live, your whatever, is constantly changing, right? And so I'm constantly worrying about how all of these things are going to affect my son's life. So my son is five, how old are your kids again?

Unknown: 39:18

Eight and six. So we're pretty close. Yeah. Okay. So

Jessi Cabanin: 39:21

like, I'm always wondering, like, I mean, I'm like, sadly, I'm infatuated with trying to visualize what life is going to be like for him when he's my age, when he's, you know, an adult and has a career and a job and I have this like really just infatuation with trying to really kind of like figure out like, what that's going to be like for him. Right? And, you know, like, it's a really hard pill to swallow how fast things change at this point. So, you know, like, I'm gonna be 37 I'm gonna be 37 Shame on me. I turned 37 So, um, so 36 the heart, right? Like, I'm 29 and holding everybody. Yeah, so my 2020s but in the last 10 years, okay, so I was a wedding photographer for 10 years, and in that 10 years, like, career side, in that 10 years, so many things changed at such a specific rate of change, right. So like the first five years of that the change was slower, but the change was happening. And the second five years of the, the change felt like it was like, like, overnight, yeah, it was overnight. It was abrupt. It was all of these things, right. So it's crazy. So like, on that topic, how do you see this theory of unpopular opinions and that fear of speaking up? And that fear of what everybody else thinks? Like, how do you how do you see that theory evolving into our children and like, their generation?

Unknown: 40:58

So I think one thing that's so important for us to realize for selves, and then for those of us who have kids to teach them is not everyone's gonna like you. And that's totally okay. Right? Like, that's kind of I think, like the core if you can kind of understand and like, really be at peace with like that core belief, I think it's going to help navigate, I think it's going to help and inform how you navigate different situations, right? Because there's kind of this confidence, and this peace coming from accepting that not everyone's gonna like you, right? Like, even if you do everything, quote, unquote, right, someone's gonna have a problem with it, you're going to be too much for someone, you're gonna be not enough for someone else. That's just the way that it is. So I think like resiliency trying to grow really confident, resilient kids is so important. And, you know, I'm so I think about this, obviously, all the time. And this was a big push for another reason, you know why I started the podcast. I'm nervous about it, too, to be honest. And I'm kind of 5050 Like, I feel like a lot of our kids are growing up in a time where they have the benefit of having access to so much information. They're growing up, and there's like a bigger push for like this body neutral movement and more education around like white privilege and think, you know, things like this that like, These were, these were topics we never discussed growing up, right, even the even D stigmatizing mental health, right? Like, that's not something we talked about in our generation. So I think there's a lot of hope. I mean, look at all the kids that are doing things for like climate change, there's a lot of hope. At the same time, you know, kids in their adolescence, like the rate of plastic surgery for kids in their adolescence is going up, right? Kids wanting to have, like, filter selfie face, and, you know, all these kind of like, body dysmorphic, you know, ideas are going on. So it's kind of both, it's like, I think we're going in a really direct good direction in one way. And then in another way, I'm really nervous with like social media, and you know, kids been so desensitized, because they're on their online all the time, and they watch all these violent movies. And then we have all these, like, mass shootings, let's just, I'm 5050. So I really hope for the best and I'm gonna have like a positive spin on it. But I'm also the realist side of me is kind of like, Oh, my God, we have a lot of work to do in a very short amount of time to make sure that our kids don't get derailed, right?

Jessi Cabanin: 43:25

For sure. And I think like, I think that we are doing our due diligence by opening these conversations, right, like starting to talk about them. Because the more we can push people who don't want to talk about these things, like they're avoiding those things, the more that we can talk about it, the more that we can all learn from it, the more that we can all grow. And the more that we can all just kind of like, you know, you know, be but when when you say, not, everyone's going to like you, okay, like, mic, drop that seriously, something I am constantly coaching, not only my son, but my marketing clients, you and all because they're so eager, people are so eager to get to the end, like, fast, right? Like they want the end result. That what do you call that, that instant gratification? Everybody's looking for that instant gratification, right? And so it's like, they're so eager to try it to reach everyone and I'm over here like, no, stop, stop. Like, seriously, stop doing that. You don't want to waste your time, your money, your energy on the people who are not for you, right? So same thing goes with like, you are not for everybody, and everybody's not for you. And guess what? That's okay. Anything, that's great, because that makes it easier for you to reach the people you're trying to reach, right. So right even starting these conversations like we are speaking to a very specific type of person, and those are the people who are going to you know, like get something out of this so that people who are going to follow the footsteps and continue to you know, like That was really funny. I don't know why Siri thinks I'm talking rude. In the name again, wow, okay. Anyway. So I just I just I feel very strongly about that, because I feel like we waste so much time and so much energy and so much of our soul. Like, just like being on this be like everybody else, why not be me I'm going to be like just like everybody else, right? So we may not always agree but you know, there's just the people who like me like me and I like them and that and that's that and the people that don't like me all I probably don't really like them either. And guess what? That's okay. There are so many people in the world, like who the hell cares?

Unknown: 45:45

Right? Right? So

Jessi Cabanin: 45:47

what would you say? Has like drastically changed in your life when you started having those uncomfortable conversations? Like where was there a fork in the road where you chose to go the hard way? Like where you chose to go up the hill instead of down the hill? Like, what was that point in your life? Like,

Unknown: 46:07

I think starting this podcast was a huge, kind of like fork in the road for me, because again, you know, up until this point, I had worked, you know, in jobs that just, you didn't really have to do that, right? Like you go in, you do what you need to do. Like, whatever the worst that would happen is maybe the buyer didn't, you know, like the sample and we just redo it or whatever, you know, someone doesn't like your design, no big deal. And so I think starting this podcast was really kind of me stepping into, like, my adulthood, my womanhood and kind of being like, Okay, I have to reckon with the fact that not everyone's gonna like me. And I will say that I still struggle with that, right? Especially as women, we have been conditioned all of our lives to be agreeable, to be likable to not rock the boat. So it's very hard to kind of like, undo that societal conditioning. But so I don't think there's ever going to be a time where I'm like, Oh, I've arrived like, today is the day going forward, I will always be okay with this. Because I'm not I'm, I'm a human, I have feelings. You know, sometimes, yeah, I do want to be liked, you know, I don't want people yelling at me on social media. But I think once you get to that point, and then you can start making decisions based on that, like talking about things that you know, are gonna piss people off or you know, are going to hit a nerve. There's also something really freeing about that. And then I feel like there's kind of a sense of pride and accomplishment and peace with knowing that you said something that felt really aligned and you felt like you needed to say, regardless of if anyone else liked it or not. Yeah, for sure. For sure, like

Jessi Cabanin: 47:41

1,000% on board. Okay, so to wrap up, I'm sure. Like, I'm envisioning so many people listening and like nodding their heads and being like, yes, yes, yes. Right. Like, okay, so I want to know, that, you know, I do know that a lot of these women who are nodding their heads, they also have this fear, right, of being trolled of upsetting someone, or of someone not liking them, or honestly, they're just afraid to make a change in their life, right. So I know everybody is like thinking that way, in one way or another. If you're not thinking that you're not being true to yourself, or whatever. Like, what advice do you have for the listeners that are literally out there? Like, yes, I'm so afraid of this, but like, like, what, what advice would you have for them?

Unknown: 48:27

I think one thing that's really helped me is just understanding and maybe this is like having kids, I feel like you think about so many things differently. Like once I had kids, I've changed a lot of things. Right? And like, even kind of thinking about, like, when I go and I don't know when that's going to be and I know that's really morbid, I don't want to get too off on that topic. But it's kind of like, when I'm 80 years old, am I gonna care that someone? I don't know that my uncle didn't like something I said politically? Probably not. Am I gonna care, though, that my kids had a mom that they felt like, tried to make a difference? Yeah, I am gonna care about that. So I really kind of think we have to like step like, zoom out almost. And think of like, what do you really want for yourself and go towards what that is, again, there's kindness, like, you don't have to be a jerk, you know, but also accepting that not everyone's gonna like you on this journey, you're probably going to upset some people. And honestly, that's okay. That's life. But I would rather get to the end of my time, knowing that I did something that felt very aligned for me. And for like, especially my kids, you know, my husband, like the people I care like the most about, rather than trying to live my life, rather than performing my life. I'll say for someone else, you know, and just knowing too, that it's going to be a journey. I don't know that anyone ever like arrives at this endpoint of like, now I just don't care and I have the thickest skin and that's not realistic. I think life is always kind of this like evolution, this journey. So knowing that as long as you're working towards It's that and just make baby steps towards it, you know, because you're just going to feel a lot better living in alignment with yourself than you are performing for someone else,

Jessi Cabanin: 50:08

for sure. And I'm a huge, like, anti destination person, I always have been. And what's interesting about that is I feel like, people do set this, this road, and they have this destination. And what happens when they get to that destination is they're really disappointed. And they're really like, Yeah, this isn't what I thought it was gonna be. And then they start over, because they were so blinded by where that destination that they wanted to go, they learned nothing along the way. They just they did whatever they had to do to get to that destination. And now they get there. And they're completely disappointed or they're completely confused. They're like, this is not what I was expecting. And instead of just taking 10 steps back and you know, going back to that fork in the road and turning, they have to go all the way back to the beginning. Now I'm starting to think about Candyland like or monopoly like, oh, gosh, I do not

Unknown: 50:57

clatters never ends.

Jessi Cabanin: 51:00

Do not collect$200 You do not know. Like, I feel like I feel like that is definitely in it. For me. I feel like when I start to think about things like like the end, and again, we're not gonna go into more of a direction. It's, it's more for me of like, what will I regret? What will I look back and regret not doing or regret doing? Right? So like, what would I go back and like want to change? Or what would I go back and wish I would have done differently? And so like, that is very much how I like to kind of like look back at that and say, you know, what, what do I want my son to think? At that point? Do I want him to think like, oh, yeah, she worked a lot. And we went on vacation? And you know, whatever? Or does he want? Or does does he think that like, Oh, my mom was a really creative person who really made a difference in other people's lives. She taught me everything I don't you don't like you think about what you want that conversation to be. If someone were to ask your kid that when you're gone, and someone was to ask your kid to describe you, or their you know, like their life with you? What do you want them to say? Do you want them to say that you were workaholic? And that you worked all the time? And then you were always with grandma, because mom was always working? And you know, whatever it is like, do you want him to say that if you don't then make the changes to make that not the conversation? Right? Right. So I like to kind of like I'm a very wide thinker. I'm a very like long term thinker. I'm a very try to like think of all the things that could go wrong. Like, that's definitely how my brain works. But yeah, I really like to think about it as more of like, what would I regret going like looking back like hindsight, I know, hindsight is 2020. So when I get to that point when I'm right, what is hindsight going to be like at that point? Oh, yeah. So powerful. It's so powerful to get in that mindset, and to really think about that in a genuine manner. And not just like, oh, when I'm 80, I'm gonna be Oh, my kids gonna have to put me in a nursing home. Like, I'm not talking about I'm talking deeper. I'm talking like for legacy here. I'm talking like, what is it that you want people to say about your life? at your funeral? What do you want them to say? What? Yeah, and then and then do those things? 100%. Yeah. Yes. Love it. This was amazing. Thank you. Yes, for joining me today, helping me open up the conversation about toxic norms, and just unpopular opinions as well. Because I think that that's just something that so many people do not talk about. This has been so amazing. I love getting fresh views from other people. I love to like, try to see it through everybody's looking glass. Because I think when we have differing opinions, or even when we're the same, no, it's really nice to see the way that people will describe what they see even if it's the same or different from you. I really like to hear from other people about like, how they see the world and how they see the issues and what they're doing about it. Right. So you aren't doing the damn thing girl you are like, out there to like, make a difference. I love it. And you know, it's hard sometimes. And I know it's lonely sometimes. But you know, you're out there pursuing it, and you whether you like it or not, you are inspiring somebody else to do the same thing, which allows it that like while we're here. Yes, thank you. So everybody that's listening. Sometimes you are going to have to make decisions and not everybody is going to be happy. Some people are not going to like it. That's just life, but I encourage you to make the decision that feels the most aligned for you. And don't give a shit what everybody else thinks. Okay, so Sarah, if listeners are totally vibing and they want to know more, they want to hear about your show. Where can they find you? Or how's the best way for them to get in touch with you?

Unknown: 54:35

Yeah, so it is on my show is called socially misguided. And it is on Apple podcasts and it's on Spotify. You can also connect with me on Instagram at socially misguided podcast and I do reels on there. I've got like little sound bites from the episodes you can connect with me and even reach out you know, to the guests that have been on there. And then if you click the Link in bio that also will take you directly to Apple podcasts. So yeah, come check it out. Come and leave me a message. I love connecting with everyone. So yes, yes,

Jessi Cabanin: 55:10

yes, yes, yes. Amazing. Okay, Sarah, thank you so much for coming today and thank you guys for listening.

Unknown: 55:15

Thank you

Jessi Cabanin: 55:19

all right, baby. I hope you really enjoyed today's conversation. I am super curious to know what your biggest takeaway was from today. So go ahead and share this episode on social media. Be sure to tag me at this way to fabulous and let me know what you connected with. What did you learn from this episode and what action item are you going to take today? But till next time guys, keep pushing, keep dreaming. And let's keep on redefining fabulous chat soon, guys.